I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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