I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
