my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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