So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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