So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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