the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
