i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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