Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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