I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
