I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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