turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
