I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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