I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
