conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
