meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
People in love make me want to vomit
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
