how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
