god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
