Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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