I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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