My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
