i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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