there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
