My first STD was from a foam party
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
