I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
