Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
