YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
