hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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