i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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