Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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