Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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