I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I skipped work to stalk him.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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