Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Panties = found
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