I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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