I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it's like iHOP with fire
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
