I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
