Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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