The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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