I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
