You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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