We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
