I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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