my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
