my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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