My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
