If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
