i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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