Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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