Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
