There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She bit a glass in half.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
