I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
